Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

25 May 2008

Bigfoot Must Die!

Sorry if I disturbed any easily upset bleeding heart tree hugging animal rights hippies out there. And personally, I've got nothing against the big guy. It's just that I've been thinking about the whole uproar over the M.K. Davis affair, the newly enhanced Patterson film, and the constant cry from the sceptics of "Show me a body!".
Face it, that's the ONLY thing that's going to convince some people. While researchers get excited over the History Channel DNA findings, or new evidence linking Bigfoot behaviour to known primate behaviour, the "Legitimate Scientific Community" and the public at large are still crying for blood. (actually, they want more than blood, don't they? Bigfoot blood is old news). Nope. Somebody's got to leave the cave, kill one, and bring it home.
BF is too big, too smart, and too elusive to trap. Heck, they (or somebody) even destroy the camera traps people have set up.
Nope, science needs a corpse.
But how to get one? As I pointed out before, there are plenty of cases of BFs being shot, or shot at. And then there's the matter of certain states declaring BF a protective species (doesn't a species have to exist to be protected?)
And there's another sticky problem: what if BF really is human? If someone kills a BF, and it is discovered post mortem that BF is "us", would that result in a charge or conviction?
And, worst case scenario: the BF turns out to be a prankster in a suit. That's one case I'd really like to watch. Did the shooter have any way of knowing? Should the shooter have known better? (since BF "don't exist") Could the shooter persuade a jury that he really was in fear for his life? Would the entire "Bigfoot Community" be blamed by the media for promoting the belief that a large, hairy, unclassified primate is out there somewhere?
I sugggest a Marlin 1895 in .45-70 Gov't, loaded with Buffalo Bore or Garrett ammo, and a piercing cry of "IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US!!"


Sheri said...

Hello. I stumbled across your blog and find it quite interesting. I am also interested in the paranormal and live in Alabama. What cryptozology animals could be found in these pats? Just curious and if you could let me know that would be great. Thanks and keep up the good work with your research!

Gummerfan said...

Thanks for your comment!
As far as cryptid sightings in Alabama go, there have been quite a few Bigfoot/hairy hominid sightings, mostly in Central and South Alabama, but there are reports from other areas as well. There are also occasional reports of black panthers (these have been occurring for so long that most people are surprised to learn that Big Black Cats aren't supposed to exist!). And there is a history of giant catfish encounters in Lake Martin and near the dams along the Tennessee River.
As far as other High Strangeness goes, the town of Fyffe on Sand Mountain was home to one of the early UFO/Cattle Mutilation cases in the 1970's, and there's a history of UFO sightings all over the state.
I'll be going into some of these things in further posts. Thanks for stopping by!

Sheri said...

I live in the country area just south of Gadsden near the H. Henry Nealy Dam and my mom has actually seen the giant catfish in our lake, near the dam. She saw the head of it which she says was at least 18 inches wide, and she saw the eye of it and it really freaked her out. People swim in the lake all the time, but now she won't even think about getting in. I just hope we don't see any bigfoots or black panthers. :) I have seen a UFO before though, but that was when I lived in FL. Anyways, I hope you have a great Memorial Day!