Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

15 June 2008

The Great Giant Catfish Hunt pt 2

Okay, now that I've talked about the stories of giant catfish and the possibility of their existence, how does one go about catching one? I've been kicking around a few ideas.
Plan A: Take 1 boat, 1 hot-bodied bikini-clad female First Mate, and a few explosive devices. We'll just putter back and forth in at the dam, deploying the depth charges over the side in the hope that a GC will be stunned and rise to the surface.
There are a few problems with this plan. Getting a boat is no problem, of course, but the thought of being apprehended tossing unlicensed explosive devices at the base of a hydroelectric dam and the subsequent one-way trip to Guantanamo Bay is quite a deterrent.
Plus, I've had no luck recruiting a buxom beauty to serve as First Mate. (this detail is an absolute REQUIREMENT, I just don't see a way the plan could work otherwise)

Plan B: Similar to Plan A, except for the use of baited grappling hooks rigged with smaller charges, electrically detonated from the surface at the first sign of a nibble. But again, there's the whole issue of explosives, Federal Agents, and of course, the lack of a bikini-wearing, fox-bodied female First Mate.

Plan C: So far, this is the most practical. I'll just need a BIG boat equipped with a winch and long cable. The well-oiled, thong-wearing First Mate will assist as I fit the winch with a grappling hook baited with a side of beef. (You want big fish, you gotta use big bait!) We'll try stationary fishing as well as trolling along the dam's base.
I can get the boat, the winch, the hook, and the bait. All I need is a volunteer for the First Mate position. Interested parties may submit photos and resumes to my e-mail addy. Just put "Catfish" in the subject line. An able-bodied First Mate is of the utmost importance on any vessel, so my requirements must be met if this expedition is to be a success. Ability to mix margaritas is a definate plus. I am, after all, a professional.

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