Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

03 May 2009

MILF and Misidentification

It was a dark and stormy night (no, REALLY, it was!). I got an email from a frightened female who had seen my blogsite sticker on the Big Weird Jeep and looked me up. Seems she and her daughter were being terrorized by some kind of "monster" lurking in the woods behind their home. The victim described the creature as huge, and looking like something out of "Predator". The creature occasionally emerged from the treeline and just "watched" them. This had been occuring over the past week or so.
So, I packed up some gear and made my way to the other side of the county.
The lady was a 40-ish divorcee living with her 22 year old daughter in a newly acquired home out in the country. The home had an enclosed sun room facing the woods. It also housed a tanning bed and hot tub. (at this point my inner voice said "Careful, Gummer, looks like you just walked into a man-trap"). The client related that they had seen the creature staring at them from the edge of woods one night while sitting in the hot tub. (and who could blame it, I thought to myself). The client was what the porn sites would call a "MILF". (not that I frequent porn sites, they depress me as I get the impression that I'm missing something and everybody in the world is engaging in uninhibited casual sex with total strangers except for me).
As I was surveilling the treeline through the pouring rain, the daughter yelled "There it is!". I looked in the direction she was pointing, and sure enough, there was SOMETHING there. Whatever it was, it was big, weird, and scary-looking. Meanwhile, the mother and daughter had stepped behind me, grabbing my shoulders and pressing their funbags into my shoulder blades.
"What do you think it is?" the MILF asked. "I don't know, I'll need a better look", I answered.
I took the 45-70 Marlin from the Jeep, loaded 4 cigar-sized cartridges into the magazine tube and grabbed my flashlight. (me being me, my "flashlight" is a 3 million candlepower rechargeable spotlight).
The monster was still just standing there, staring at the house (no doubt echoing my thoughts regarding the opportunity to see the MILF and daughter slip into the hot tub) and I made my way around the field to get a better angle of approach. As the rain finally abated, I was able to get a good broadside view of the hideous beast.
I made my way back to the house and informed the MILF and daughter of my findings.
"Do you know if anybody around here is missing a cow?" I asked.
"That's NO cow!" the daughter shot back. I replied, "Yes, yes it is. An UGLY cow, but a cow just the same."
A quick phone call verified that a local farmer had indeed been having trouble keeping one of his cows in the pasture.
After some expressions of relief, embarrassment, and gratitude, I was preparing to leave. The MILF offered to dry my wet clothes for me, but I politely declined. I did ask if it was okay to clean and oil my rain-soaked rifle before I left.
I sat at the kitchen table with a can of BreakFree and some paper towels. MILF & daughter decided to calm their nerves with a good soak. Despite the attractiveness of the offer, I declined an invitation to join them, concentrating on the task at hand and hoping I was seated far enough under the table to conceal the undeniable evidence of my baser nature.
I finally finished oiling the Marlin, and through sheer strength of will was able to walk to the door without stumbling, holding the rifle low in front of me and slightly stooping as I bade them goodbye. (I am, after all, a professional)
By now anyone who's bothered to read this is wondering just how the hell someone could mistake a domestic bovine for a monster from dimensions unknown. I returned to the area and took some pics of the cow, and with a little sloppy image manipulation, I've developed an image that resembles what we saw through the darkness and rain (shown along with the unretouched version)


Note that due to the darkness and the cow's "face-on" orientation, it appeared bipedal, and the black areas of the face blended in with the darkness, giving the impression of an oddly-shaped head)
In conclusion, I managed to escape almost certain temptation, MILF and Daughter can rest easier, and some poor cow was spared the ordeal of being penetrated from cranium to rectum by a 500 grain Full Metal Jacket bullet for committing the "crime" of being ugly. Good thing I didn't shoot first and investigate later. Cows ain't cheap!

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