Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

30 June 2009

Are My Days Really Numbered?

I actually posted about this incident when it first happened, but once I saw it "in print", I wasn't happy with it and I deleted it. But this post by Autumnforest really struck a chord about the "event". (plus, Dolly made a request, and I can't refuse a lady!) So, I'll try again.
Before I begin, let me clarify a few things:
First, my personal view of death, particularly my own, is a bit askew from what most people consider "normal". I mean, I am convinced that death is NOT the end. Of course, I may be wrong, but that's how I feel. I also accepted its inevitability long ago. My view is similar to that of the Samurai. I certainly don't seek it, I try to avoid it if possible, but I know it's coming eventually and I can handle that.
Next, I'm not some kind of attention-seeking morbid internet emo. (not that I mind attention, of course, but there are limits to what I'll do to get it!)
Plus, I don't want this blog to degenerate into some kind of depressing "death watch".
So, if any of the above makes sense or not, here's the ying and yang of the whole deal:

Back in early October of last year, I as out on the porch (I do a lot of thinking there if you haven't noticed yet). I was just looking out over the landscape. The trees were starting to go bare, the blooms were gone from the flowers, the grass was going dormant, and except for a few evergreens the plants were gray skeletons of their former glorious selves. To quote Paul Simon, the sky was "a hazy shade of winter."
It's a well-known fact to those who know me that I get SADD (seasonal affective depression disorder) something fierce anyway. I just flat out hate cold weather, gray skies, plus the hassle associated with those "Happy Holidays." I have a natural abhorration towrds any climate that isn't conducive to nudity. If I had my way I'd just hibernate during those months. I don't get out in the cold unless I have to, but I get a case of cabin fever if I stay cooped up too long.
So, there I was, contemplating and dreading the upcoming season when "it" happened. It's hard to describe the experience. "Something" that was both external and internal at the same time impressed the following message onto my brain: "This will be your/my last winter." "Your/my" is my attempt to convey that at the very instant I was "receiving" the message, it was also internalized.
Given my penchant for worst case scenarios, I immediately interpreted the message to mean I was going to die sometime before the next winter. Terminal disease? A tractor-trailer on the highway or a freight train with my name on it? Heart attack?
I didn't share this with anyone for quite some time. I just kept mulling it over in my head. "This will be your last winter"...what does that mean? The message wasn't frightening or threatening in any way. It was completely neutral, like a weather report or market update.
So, how come I'm not a mass of quivering jelly? Or why am I not using this summer to "Live like I'm dying?" Why haven't I just given up or started working on my own personal bucket list?
Well, after thinking about the incident for a few days, I began to realize that maybe my interpretation was wrong. Maybe it meant something else. Students of Tarot or dream interpretation will tell you that all isn't as it appears. The so-called "Death Card" actually means a change is coming. And maybe I didn't take the message in the proper context. Maybe it meant this would be my last winter here, or my last winter under these particular circumstances. Perhaps it meant something other than "tomorrow you die", maybe Publishers Clearing House will come through and by next winter I'll be living in a private island stronghold in the Caribbean or South Pacific. Maybe we'll find another house by then. Maybe I'll get a job transfer or something. Maybe, just maybe, it meant something positive, or at least neutral, was coming.
So, while I'll admit my little prophecy still causes me some concern, life goes on. If I really AM doomed before next winter, there's nothing I can do to change it. And if something positive is going to occur between now and then, hey, I can deal with that!

2 comments:

Autumnforest said...

Gummer;
My dear blog friend, you got a message. Given the context in which it was given, admiring nature, I think you might have come out of a funk. It sounds to me like this message is that the meaning of the holidays/winter isn't going to be the same. This is the last winter to see it through this veil of gloom. As someone who interprets psychic messages myself and knowing your personality as you've thankfully shared with us (I like when people are genuine), you were at that moment admiring the coming of autumn and end of a year's cycle and it wasn't as dark and as awful as it might have been in the past. Sometimes, throwing yourself right into the thing you hate gives you a perspective. By being out in nature (something you love) during that season, you began to appreciate it. A more grim message wouldn't have come to you in such a peaceful moment.

Gummerfan said...

Thanks for your interpretation! Hope you're right!
I must admit it would be nice to spend my future winters (however brief they are here in The South)feeling more like a human being and less like a grumpy, depressed, antisocial old troll!