Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

05 August 2009

Wanna Go To Heaven?

I was a-trembling because I'd got to decide forever betwixt two things, and I know'd it. I studied for a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then I says to myself, "All right, then, I'll go to hell."- Mark Twain, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn-

Sometimes I look back on my Southern Bible Belt upbringing. Life was a lot simpler back in the old days. You "done right", you went to Heaven. You "done wrong", well, you went to Hell. (or to Detroit, depending on your denomination and interpretation).
I heard a comedian quip that "There will be no comedy in Heaven. Comedy comes from pain, and since there will be no pain in Heaven, there can't be any comedy." All jokes have a victim, whether it's a joke about a person,("How dumb IS he?") or even a self-deprecating remark. ("I tell ya, I don't get no respect!") Comedy helps us deal with life's little problems, the human condition, even major tragedies. No pain, no comedy.
I suppose the same can be said for The Blues. The Blues comes from pain and sadness. Blues music depicts carnal desires, drinkin', cheatin', gamblin', sadness and pain. To really understand The Blues, you must "live in The Blues" for a time. The Blues celebrates everything from from the joy of sex, to the pain of havin' a woman who done done you wrong. Blues music is filled with references to hoodoo, voodoo, loose women and mannish boys, venereal diseeeeses...face it, Da Blues is just Evil. Evil like a woman who done gone and got herself another man. Evil like a man who got hisself a Mojo Hand so his king snake can keep on crawlin'. In fact, the use of the word "Lawd" or "Law" (frequently repeated, as in "My woman up and left me, Lawd, Lawd!") isn't the result of a Southern or N'yawlins accent. The Church explicitly forbade the use of "Lord" in Blues lyrics (since it was the "Devil's music"), so the singers began using the words "Lawd" and "Law".
Okay, so in Heaven, there will be no comedy and no Blues.
Add to that a little bomb that Jesus dropped in Matthew 22:30, "For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in Heaven."
Know what that means? No sex. No males or females. Lust is a sin, so there won't be any fine-lookin' women (or hot-bodded guys, I suppose, not that that bothers me) up there. No nice racks to admire, no booty's you could sit a drink on, no babes who look like they could suck a Miata through a chainlink fence...
So, let me get this straight...if I live a life of self-sacrifice, denial, and humility, if I deny myself the many pleasures humans crave, I'll be rewarded by spending eternity in a place with no Rodney Dangerfield or Groucho Marx, no Johnny Winter or Howlin' Wolf, and no...well, you see where I'm going.
Maybe old Huck had a point.


Autumnforest said...

Hee hee. I like the way your mind words. Yeah, I had a traditional Southern upbringing, Church and all, but luckily our church wasn't the "God's gonna get ya" type. I guess my heart is a hippie because I do believe in all of us being connected, and judgment not being for man, and that ultimately without the human body we'll be quite a different incarnation. If you have no reproductive need, I suppose sex would be obsolete, but then when did man ever have sex just for children? It's hard to imagine what continued consciousness would be like, but I think that without the limitations of a body, the things we might exult in and "climax" from might be quite different and at a level our poor bodies couldn't take in the human form. The best children come from compassionate parents, the worst from judgmental angry ones, so I figure if there's a supreme being, besides being female (they give life), I'd have to say She would be pretty understanding and encourage growth. So, what will the other side be like? I imagine it'll be life x1000. More potent, more stamina, no limits, more knowledge, more tastes, more smells, more senses, and absolutely no "rights" or "wrongs" to confuse personal purpose.

Mike-Julie said...

Don't know what it will be like on the other side, but I can imagine it to be pretty least I hope so. Love your posts.

Gummerfan said...

In addition to 72 virgins, suicide bombers are promised a thousand year orgasm when they reach the other side.
I could go for that.