Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

15 October 2009

What, Me Worry?

Well, folks, this has been a rough couple of weeks...
My dear wife has been suffering from chronic back pain for the past two years. After seeing numerous doctors and specialists, so far she hasn't had any relief. Some days she can't stand to walk, stand, or even sit. And even lying in bed isn't much better. While she hasn't technically lost her job, she's used up all of her leave time. She's seeing a lawyer next week to get the ball rolling on her disability. It hurts me to see her in pain and know there's nothing I can do to help her.
There's no telling when she'll start drawing disability, or how much it will be. More than likely the Big Weird Jeep will have to go. I can manage to get a few more hours at work (but with budget cuts, "time" is getting tight). I probably won't be posting as much, though I'll still check in on the blogs I follow. Between working more and caring for her, I'll be stretched pretty thin.
And I know this may sound horrible or selfish, but I honestly don't think she realizes how hard this is on me. I try to keep a stiff upper lip and all that, and I just don't feel I have any right to complain to her. I know that her pain, depression, stress and fear are worse than mine.
I mean, here we are on the verge of losing everything we've worked for over the years, and I don't mind losing the stuff, hell, I'd give up everything if it meant she could get better, but knowing that even after cutting back or cutting out, she's still going to be hurting unless somehow the docs find something that works. This is all incredibly stressful for both of us, but I keep trying to soldier through when deep down inside I wish I could just just cry, scream, something to work this stress out.
I'd really appreciate any thoughts, prayers, good vibes, positive energy, or whatever you fine folks could send our way. Not for me, but for her.


Autumnforest said...

She's a very lucky woman to have you there for her. I suspect you're very protective in every way. It'll be a very hard transition for her. Imagine being viable and then feeling inviable? You have to redefine who you are and what your worth is. Don't be surprised if for quite some time she'll be focused on what she's lost, what's changed for her, and have a bit of resentment that she had to depend upon you. It's a huge adjustment. She'll surely be able to get disability. If this is a herniation, they usually have amazing reaction to surgery if that's a possibility. You're both going to have to undergo a lot of changes in how you define yourselves and your relationship. I think in a strange way, your fascination with survival is going to be in practice now. I don't know if you got to see The Colony show, but people had to get past being dirty and hungry and nasty and just survive. They rolled up their sleeves. The people who survive and thrive are adaptable. All the skills you've been learning show you if when push comes to shove you can survive a real life dilemma. I think if you apply those principles, you'll both really grow close from this whole experience. I often do distance healing, so I will definitely focus my energy on her back and her emotions. I don't need anything more than just her first name. That would help me to tie to her while sending her healing energy. I wish I could offer more, but you always have this avenue to blow off steam or work things out loud. Take care of yourselves first. We'll always be here. Take care of yourself too. Caretakers are best when they help the person they're aiding to become more independent, even if it means rearranging the house to make her able to be more independent. It helps you both.

Above the Norm said...

I can totally feel your pain. I have been laid off from work for over 18 months now. I am drawing unemployment for now but that may be coming to an end soon. My husband owns a business and thankfully that is doing well and keeping us a float. I made good money so we saw our medical and other things go bye bye because we couldn't afford them. After a year of fighting with our mortgage company and getting no where, we hired a lawyer to deal with them. I haven't gotten one call for a job prospect in the entire time of being laid off. There have been many times of crying, praying and doing without during this time. I don't know when I will finally get a job but I hope it is before my unemployment runs out. I am trying to keep a positive attitude about it all, knowing that things will get better.

Sorry to hear about your wife's back, that sucks. I will pray that things work out for the both of you and for things to get better.


Gummerfan said...

Autumn, thanks for the kind words. Everybody calls her "Nicky", so that should do. What's ironic is that I'm supposed to be the "hero", the guy who can handle everything, do what must be done. But I just feel so freakin' helpless, powerless. It's borderline emasculating. Here's the most important person in the world to me and I can't "fix things".
Julie, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Normally I try to keep the "personal" stuff out of my blog. I'm not really one for rants, vents, or emo self-pity. But I've seen you mention your jobless situation on your blog, and I've read other's blogs on which they chronicle their hardships, struggles, and their victories and triumphs. (I'm sure most of know who you are!).
I just thought some pre-empitve explanations may be in order.

Autumnforest said...

Thanks. I'll do a session twice a day for the next week. I hope it makes a difference. If it does, I'll certainly keep it up. Change sucks, but one thing we know about life is the people who adapt to dramatic changes in their lives, survive the best--end-of-world scenario in action. I've lost nearly everyone in my family and several friends. One thing I know is that there's what you can control and what you can't like the serenity prayer says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." In the heat of something this overwhelming it can seem like a tsunami, but in the scheme of things, all sorts of things can change, opportunities open up, healing processes occur. You can't ever use today as an example for what next month will be or next year. So, you can't fix the pain she's in, but you can let her know it's okay for her to be in pain with you. You can help her adapt her world for her new reality and you look for the things you can do. When I lost all my loved ones, I couldn't stop them from dying, but I could do one thing I know they would have wanted me to do. For my brother, I made friends with our Norwegian relatives that our mom kept us closed off from, for my sister I spent $ on myself on a shopping spree at the mall, for my mother I studied the family's genealogy, for my dad I ran a self-help group and lectured and did workshops for people under stress/anxiety. This could be a time when you show her how to start a new life. Maybe an ebay business, maybe a craft, some small thing that gives her purposes and gives you a shared project. She could edit your writings and you could finally write a monster hunter book. See, there's actually a lot of things you have control of and a lot of hope and purpose. If you need side cash, you might consider applying at They always need writers in any specialty. You're a monster hunter--what a fantastic spot. I know many people who write for them and online and they get paid per hits on the site, so you get your blogger friends and hunters to hit your site every time your write something new and you get a few hundred extra bucks a month and continue your monsterhunter hobby. It's a thought. The people I know who did it weren't writers. They were just people with intense hobbies that were odd and interesting. It's basically blogging for $. Now and then it'd be good to hear a short post as you're adjusting to your new life growth phase (as I like to call troubling times).

Courtney Mroch said...

Gummer, I feel for both you and your wife and you got my happy thoughts coming your way. I get what you're saying. I suffered from debilitating pain earlier this year. It was in my left shoulder and I couldn't lay flat or on that side for about 2 months. In my case, it was an enormous tumor pressing on those nerves. Once the chemo started shrinking it, I got relief. But there were nights I'd wake up howling in pain. The morphine would wear off and my husband would frantically put in a call to the after hours doc line to see what kind of meds I could take to get some relief. (I was on so many I had to keep records of what I took when and he'd have to read them back to make sure we didn't overdose me...)

It was hell. For the both of us. And that was only for a couple of months. But two years, having it affect all areas of your does wear on both parties. My husband was amazing to me, but I saw the stress in his eyes and knew there was times he just was done for the day.

I sure hope her docs can help her get some relief somehow and you guys will come out of this okay. I'm really sorry you're going through it. Venting helps...even in the blog. I started mine to help get my mind off it all!