Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

22 November 2009

The Gummerfan Channel

Two things happened this week that prompted this post. First, the news that Oprah Winfrey's talk show is shutting down next year and the buzz that she will be starting her own channel. Next, the brouhaha over Donna Lacroix's interview in which she revealed that GASP!, "Ghost Hunters" is an ENTERTAINMENT show! While reading some of the online discussions, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that many of the faithful GH viewers aren't the sycophantic fans I thought they were.
(BTW, anybody catch that line in the Ghost Hunters Academy promo about how Steve & Tango were "trained by the BEST?" Huh? "The Best" according to whom? Who declared a couple of plumbers with a few electronic toys and half-developed theories "The Best"?)
Anyway, I've been wondering just what yours truly would like to see if I had the bucks to start my own little channel. Here's a few of my projects-in-development-that-haven't-been-stolen-and-made-somebody-else-famous:

GUNNING FOR THE TRUTH:
A heavily-armed team of monster specialists scour the globe in search of really scary monsters and attempt to bring 'em back dead or alive. Packing guns, gear, and garlic, our intrepid team overcomes all obstacles, doggedly determined to find "something".
Look for special celebrity guest appearances by Michael "Burt Gummer" Gross, R. Lee Ermey, and Ted Nugent.

TROOPING THROUGH TROUP-HEARD
(the mutant offspring of "UFO Hunters", "Storm Chasers", and "Top Gear")
In a concept similar to "Storm Chasers" (the show with the specially-built vehicle running around Tornado Alley in hope of driving straight into a twister), our team travels through UFO hot spots seeking a close encounter. The team's vehicle will be festooned with cameras, radar, microphones, multiband recievers, as well as mounted 50BMG rifles and belt-fed Brownings for those low-flyers.

BIG WEIRD BROTHER
A diverse group of ghost hunters, cryptozoologists, UFO investigators, Fortean enthusiasts, paranormalists, conspiracy theorists, and other assorted oddballs are sequestered in a compound in the Nevada desert.
One-by-one they drive each other and the viewing audience completely insane.

GHOST TEASERS
Kicking the technique of "taunting" spirits up a notch, our team of investigators test various methods and devices to see just what would happen if...you fired a high-intensity burning laser into a manifested spirit, or, you zapped a "cold spot" with microwaves, or, you lug a wagonload of high powered automotive grade power cells into an area where "equipment battery draining" is occuring (ever notice that entities prefer DC to AC?), or if you subject Shadow People to tasers or cattle prods?
The team would also be open to viewers ideas a la' "Mythbusters".

EXTREME TRESPASSING LIVE!
Volunteers are outfitted with streaming video cameras and audio and proceed to sneak, slip, bust, or barrel their way into Area 51, the Skinwalker Ranch, and various and sundry top-secret or off-limits military, government, or private locations to see just what they can find before they're arrested and hauled off to prison.
(the lawyers are still working on the numerous releases, waivers, and agreements participants must sign before taking part in filming...)

THAT'S APOCALICIOUS!
Picture a survivalist cooking competition similar to "Iron Chef". The contestants must prepare meals in a primative environment, using scrounged and found ingredients, and the cuisine is presented to The Chairman and a panel of epicurean judges.

These are it for now, until more original programming is developed, The Gummerfan Channel will air reruns of the Tremors movies and series, and episodes of The Mighty Boosh in order to fill airtime...

3 comments:

Autumnforest said...

Absolutely wicked! I love them! I want the Gummer channel! You should actually think if pitching these--good god! They take the most amazingly weird show ideas, so why not? These are actually the kind of thing people want to see--not families with too many kids and too little wits or people with too much money and too little wits or people with too much desperation to hook and too little wits... I still want a team of ghost hunters that are comprised a psychiatrist, meteorologist, geologist, and physicist. I'd be in my bliss. I'm still laughing about your description of Extreme Trespassing Live! Honestly, I'd love a show of urban exploration but not that dude that goes into caves and under cities legitimately. I want to see people sneaking in.

Julie said...

Those were whacky, fun and I would totally watch them. Autumn is right, you should pitch them to a network or cable channel. They are definately more creative and better than what is out there now. "Look out ghosts, Gummer and his crew have their guns a blazin' and they are coming after you"!!!
~Above the Norm~

Gummerfan said...

Glad y'all liked em.
Actually, the idea for "Extreme Trespassing Live!" came from one of those "what would you do if you knew you only had X days to live" scenarios. I said I would head out to NV and drive hell-for-leather past the "black mailbox" and as far into Area 51 as I could before the Cammo Dudes got me. :D