Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

28 March 2010

(Mis)Adventures In Monster Hunting

Just thought I'd share some of the humbling and humorous things that I've experienced while "on the trail".

"Laying Low"
Once I was camping out in the backwoods with some friends in prime "Wooly Boogar" territory. We were sitting around the campfire when we heard the sound of a stick breaking down river from our location, so naturally I strick out to investigate.
I found a spot along a game trail by the river and decided to see if I could "ambush" something. I went prone on my belly, both to eliminate my silhouette and to use the moonlight to illuminate the trail. My eyes hadn't fully adjusted to the darkness yet, since I had just left the campfire. So, to allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness, I thought I'd close them and lower my head and just listen for while.
So, there I was, lying on the cold, damp ground, I closed my eyes, lowered my head, and came to the sudden realization that I had just rested my chin in...a "pile". Not being a biologist or zoologist, I can't say what kind of pile it was, all I can say is that it was warm, creamy, fresh, and as the firelight later revealed, green.

How Remote Is "Remote"?

While hiking through the forest, well off the "beaten path", I spotted an opening in the rocks on a bluff. So, I decided to check it out. As I made my way up the side of the rock bluff, I wondered what I might find in there. An undiscovered cavern entrance? An abandoned mine? My mind ran wild with exotic possibilities.
After a brief, and slightly hazardous climb, I reached the entrance. And just what did I discover? The lair of a frightful beast? Archeological finds from early explorers or ancient civilization? Some mysterious relic that humans were never meant to find?
Nope. I found grafitti-covered walls and discarded beer cans.Obciously I wasn't the first to set foot here.

"Something In The Water?"

This little event is worthy of an episode of MQ or DT. Of course, nowadays there'd be infrared night camera and themal FLIR footage to increase the drama, but this was back in the 70's.
My family and some friends were camping along the Tennessee River. It was around midnight, the sky was clear and the full moon was reflecting on the river. We were all just sitting around looking out at the water when one of our party noticed something out in the water. At first, we all thought it was just the moonlight reflecting on the water, but then we noticed it was moving slowly along the river. All we could tell, even through binoculars, was that it appeared that something luminous was moving out there in the water. We couldn't determine if it was on the surface or beneath it.
After watching and wondering for a while, my dad and John (one of our friends who was famous for trying anything) decided to take the boat and check it out. (I was deemed "too young" to participate in such a potentially dangerous undertaking, could've been a Communist submarine en route to the nuclear plant, after all!) I waited on the riverbank with everyone else.
We watched as the nav lights from the boat receded into the night, drawing ever closer to the mysterious white object out in the river. We could see the spotlight from the boat switch on and begin panning across the water. And, we heard the soft sound of a distant splash.
The boat stayed out there for a few minutes, and finally made its way back to our campsite. We were all waiting for the answer to the mystery. Soviet sub? Alien USO? The luminous spirit of some long-dead drowning victim?
John (sopping wet) answered our question: "Ducks! White ducks! A bunch of white ducks swimming across the river!"
Well, that mystery was solved, but what about the splash and John's soaking wet condition? What was the story behind that? "I tried to catch one..." he answered.

1 comment:

Autumnforest said...

Oh Burt! It sounds like you have the same kinds of "non-events" as we have in ghost hunting. You can imagine, any house can make weird sounds and any outdoor location too. At least you act like a hunter and just go for it. Turds and all! Yeah, I've stepped into a few cow piles myself in the desert and once had someone piss on my foot who didn't know I was staking out an area... Men!