Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

23 May 2010

Bigfoot And...(wait for it!...) Zombies!

As a proud, longtime member of the FVZA (Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency, the only "Zombie" organization I've run across that has anything approaching a realistic treatment of the Zombie threat (in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I've found that most groups, sites, and organizations will be able to measure their life expectancy with a stopwatch!) I keep an eye on different "Zombie Survival" websites, books, and movies.
And, like Zombies, Bigfoot has numerous websites, groups, and organizations devoted to it as well. What do BF and Zeds have in common? Well, it seems that there is vast number of self-proclaimed experts on both subjects. These authori-tahs are always willing to share their expertise with anyone who'll listen and present their ideas, theories, or opinions as "known facts", sharing "what we all know" about the subjects in question.
Examples:
"We all know that Zombies have acute senses of smell and hearing, they can detect humans from miles away."

The truth is, we have no idea how Zombies detect us. The Zombie books and movies demonstrate that Zombies can detect humans even without the benefit of their eyes, or noses, or ears. How DO they find us? We don't know, but logic and biology dictate that if anything, Zombie senses are no better than our own, maybe even worse.

"Bigfoot can smell us coming in the woods. We have to mask our scent, BF can even smell the plastic in camera traps, that's why can't get a good trailcam pic."
Again, biology dictates otherwise. Great apes hunt by sight, not smell. BF's sense of smell is probably better than ours, but there's no biological basis for the assumption (presented as fact) that BF has a super-sensitive sniffer.

"We all know that when the Zombies come, the best plan is to loot the nearest gun store and hole up in the mall or Walmart."
Yeah, good luck with that. I know a lot of gun store owners. You do NOT want to be anywhere near one of those places when TSHTF! As for the mall and Walmart, yeah, right. EVERYONE'S gonna be thinking the same thing. A bunch of panicy, trigger-happy, heavily armed yahoos determined to stake their claim in an essentially lawless environment. Nice knowin' ya!

"We all know that Bigfoot is nocturnal."
No, we don't. This "conventional wisdom" is based on the number of strange sounds in the night, or tales of nightime visits. Truth is, great apes are diurnal (active in the day). IF Bigfoot is a nightimer, such behaviour would be a defensive adaptation or behaviour. But again, there are plenty of reports of daytime sightings. And, any primatologist will tell you that the eyes of a great ape aren't optimized for BF's reported super night vision. If we can't see, BF can't see.

"Me and my friends can get my cousin's best friend's neighbor's .22 rifle, a machete, and a baseball bat and save our city from the Zombies."
No doubt you'll do okay, til you run out of ammo, or your arms get tired, or you get pinned down, surrounded, and starved out. Or you get stuck on the other side of town because you thought you'd go save that hot cheerleader who won't give you the time of day and then she'd pretty much have to "do" you.

"We all know that Bigfoot can be attracted by using pheromone scent baits."
I like this one! But, pheromones are species-specific. Bigfoot MAY show up out of curiousity ("Hmmm, what's that baboon twat smell doing in East Texas?") But unless you've got genuine BF pheromones, you're not gonna elicit the desired response. Also, great apes (and most other primates) don't have a mating season anyway. They're pretty much opportunistic when it comes to getting some. BF can walk erect (like man) and probably does so a lot. (like man!)

"My particular Bigfoot Research Group is THE best. We're well-equipped, we've done our homework, we go into the woods every weekend, we know where to look, we know how to find the evidence."
Well, good for you. And you've produced...what?

"My particular Zombie Survival group is THE best. We're well-equipped, we've done our homework, we practice headshots every weekend, we know where to go, we know how to survive."
Well, good for you. And you'll be able to prove your claims...when?

Despite everything above, I can't help but wonder if there isn't yet another similarity between Bigfoot and Zombies:
I've read quite a few instances of Bigfoot being shot (or shot at). BUT, to my knowledge, nobody's ever shot one IN THE HEAD.
Maybe there's something to that?

2 comments:

Autumnforest said...

Hee hee. BG, you're awesome! I know what you mean...same thing in ghost hunting. I had someone ask me recently "I'm starting ghost hunting and I've read all I can, what other ways can I gain the knowledge of the leaders?" The leaders of what? Even TAPS can't produce evidence of ghosts and any stories they tell you about ghosts sucking the heat out of the air around you or being stuck in a location are BS. No one knows if they are even souls of dead people or something perfectly natural in the realm of physics or an invisible life form or interdimensional. You can't be an expert in it cause it simply has no area of study other than anecdotal. People still carry the same lines about how to cleanse a home and how to keep a ghost from coming home from the graveyard with you. Holy shit! And, I know, folks take all this to heart, but we can't even freaking catch it (if it has content) and we can't prove it (because it doesn't always show up on film or audio and those can be polluted), so we just have people's experiences. So, BF is much like that. He's witnessed and not proven but I do hold out hope that with him something can be found. When it comes to ghosts, there are no experts, only a lot of folks with experiences and no real proof.

Gummerfan said...

I thought you'd like this one, since it involves BF and Zombies. I was actually in the middle of writing this one when I got your email about the very same subjects!