Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

18 May 2010

Don't Forget To Bring Her Some Flowers! Skunk Ape Mating Season

According to this guy, It's the start of Skunk Ape mating season in Florida.
Now, I know some people out there are saying, "Yeah, right! Like he could know that!", but being a Southerner, it makes perfect sense to me. You see, here in The South, we don't have a Spring. We go straight from winter to hot-n-steamy. And in the Everglades, I'm sure it's worse.
Having no Springtime or in between means that Southern ladies must immediately pull those shorts out of the closet without benefit of trying them on for size. Thus, Southern gals spend the early part of Summer in last year's now-too-small shorts and tops. (that's the TRUE origin of Daisy Dukes!). This sudden change from fully to barely clad women does strange things to Southern males. The air is thick with hot humid air and the pheromones are so thick you can cut through them with a knife.
No wonder Bigfoot's Southern cousin, the poor old Skunk Ape's monkey-walking through the swamp with a major boner.
So, if you wanna shot at seeing or filming a Skunk Ape, my advice is to find a nice spot in the swamp, put on some Lynard Skynard, twist the top off your favorite flavor of Boone's Farm and keep your eyes peeled.
But really, the whole part about Skunk Apes being attracted to mentruating females is pretty laughable (same goes for similar "pheromone-baiting techniques"). Pheromones are pretty species-specific, so unless you've got a sample of genuine Skunk Ape estrous on you're panties, you've got nothing to worry about.

2 comments:

Autumnforest said...

I'll take Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, honey and I also like to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughn for making out with my skunk ape!

Gummerfan said...

Strawberry Hill! It's nice to know you're not one of those gals who would send a guy back to the bootlegger's for Country Qwencher! ;)