Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

30 May 2010

"The Monster Hunter In Modern Popular Culture"



I suppose it's bad form or improper to offer an opinion on a book when you haven't actually finished reading it, but in the case of Heather L. Duda's "The Monster Hunter In Modern Popular Culture", I'm not even halfway done and I can already recommend it. And with a title like that, how could I not like it?
The book is an adaptation of Duda's PhD thesis (even though she's not called "Doctor" Heather Duda, or have the "PhD" after her name on the cover, I'm certain she earned it!).
I was worried that it would be a "heavy read", like Bruce McClelland's invaluable "Slayers and Their Vampires" but it's actually an entertaining and informative book that isn't heavy on obscure folklore. Instead, Duda analyzes the monster hunter (concentrating mostly on the vampire hunter) as depicted and portrayed in fiction and cinema. From Van Helsing to Buffy, the author guides the reader through the evolution and development of the monster hunter character over the past few decades.
The author's encyclopedic knowledge of Gothic and Horror fiction and movies, from Stoker's Dracula through the modern slasher movie, earn her a position among "people I'd really like to hang out with". (when I finish the book, I am SO gonna stalk her! Just kidding, but I will try to let her know how much I enjoyed the book!)
Since the book concentrates on the vampire hunter, some of my faves are left out. No Winchesters, no Bobby Singer, and alas, no Burt Gummer. :( But Duda does include the vigilantes of graphic novels (Dark Knight, League Of Etxraordinary Gentlemen, Watchmen) and anime (Inouyasha, Vampire Hunter D) as examples of how the monster hunter has changed over time.
If you're a writer of Gothic/horror fiction (*ahem!*) you'll find some great insights into the monster hunter character as differentiated from the "classic hero". And anyone who's a fan of the genre will find it an interesting read.

Here's a link to an interview with the author with more information than I can post here.

29 May 2010

TAPS and RECAPS

I think the best thing about GH & TAPS is that they've sparked interest and encouraged others to perform their own paranormal investigations. And I think the worst thing about GH & TAPS is that they've sparked interest and encouraged others to perform their own paranormal investigations.
Contradictory? A quick web search will reveal hundreds of "Paranormal Societies" popping up all over the world. Granted, some existed before GH, but far more arose in its wake. (a big hint is if their name contains the words "paranormal society"! And just why is it that they're all "societies"? "Group", "organization", "club" not fancy enough for 'em? And why are there no "Paranormal Gangs", for that matter? but I digress...)
But by and large, these various groups aren't doing anything other than copying TAPS methods. They've got their IR cams, dvr's, maybe a thermal camera, they try to record some evp's ("EVP" stands for "Electronic Voice Phenomena", it's where a sound or voice is picked up on the recorder that wasn't heard at the time of the recording... sorry, just had to throw that in there!
I call these groups "RECAPS" (Repetiitious Endeavors to Copy Another Paranormal Society) and while there's nothing wrong with "playing TAPS" (especially if ghosts of military personnel are around, playing "taps" is quite appropriate, I suppose) the big question is, are these RECAPS doing anything to advance the field? In most cases, no. So you go to a famous haunted site. You capture some shadows on video, you record an unintelligable evp ("EVP" stands for Electronic... nevermind) or two. You even have some undocumentable personal experiences ("It was cold in there!" "I was skeered!"), you accomplish the same thing TAPS did, so what? ("But geez, they got a TV deal out of this stuff!") Sure, it may be fun, it may be exciting, you've put a notch in your belt, but you really haven't done anything to shed any new light on the phenomena, have you?
As I've said before, I've got nothing against TAPS, or GH, or even RECAPS for that matter. And hey, some of my best friends are Ghost Hunters! ;)
But, if you and your group, society, whatever, are truly lookung to advance the field, to make that big breakthrough (that might even get YOU a TV deal!), stop relying on the same ol' TAPS same ol'. Develop some new ideas, new theories, explore new territory. Why run around playing TAPS with your thermometers and voice recorders when instead you could be trying to come up with some new approaches?

27 May 2010

The Mystery Box...

Today I was at my local Post Office, which is sort of a "babe central". Our little PO is populated almost exclusively by gorgeous females, none of whom want me. (actually, I suppose that's a good thing, because otherwise I'd be forced to make some agonizing decisions!). But, alas, the hot brunette wasn't working the counter, instead the guy was there. (Oh well, that's just my luck!).
I was waiting my turn, and the customer at the counter in front of me was a guy on crutches, accompanied by a young boy with a big box.
The clerk weighed the package and gave the customer the shipping rates (he chose Priority Mail, which sounded like the best deal to me, too). So the clerk, being the consummate professional that he is, applied the postage and was about to take the box off the scale when the customer said, "I'll bet you'll never guess what's in that box." The clerk (who's probably heard that like a million times just said, "No, not really." The customer said, "It's my leg." The clerk replied, "Ooo-kay". The customer explained, "Yeah, it's my prosthetic leg, I have to send it off for some adjustments".
Sometimes you just never know what's in the box!

26 May 2010

Earth's Fate Revealed Tonight!

"Monster" is a multi-faceted word. It connotes something evil, something that must be destroyed, a horrible, threatening menace (or horrible, menacing threat?). Sometimes a "monster" isn't some blatantly obvious creature, sometimes the threats to humankind's existence are far more subtle, they lurk in the shadows, creeping up on our ungurded flanks. (well, I try to keep my flanks guarded as much as possible, but the pants gotta come off sometime))
Tonight we find out if the forces of All Hell come one step closer to bubbling up from the bowels of the earth, or if mankind has earned a (brief) reprieve. I'm referring of course to the American Idol finale and announcement of this season's winner.
I'm not one of those people who follow the show all season or anything like that. And the show has been dead to me ever since it unleashed Carrie Underwood and Kelly Pickler on the world. Talk about the gates of hell bursting open. AI has proven over and over that the average TV viewer is simply not equipped to recognize talent. Katherine McPhee was voted off. Bo Bice was passed over. Jennifer Hudson didn't win. These superior talents were passed over in favor of less-talented (though perhaps slightly more commercially viable) contestants. Truly gifted singers were punished for their escellence by the same group of people who thought voting for Obama was a good idea ('cuz MTV said so).
I face tonight with a guarded optimism. I believe it just may be possible that Crystal Bowersox could pull it off. IF that happens, some of my faith in Man will be restored. But, I'm sure there are enough empty-headed style-over-substance mediabots out there in this vast wasteland to get Lee DeWyze a win. If that happens, we're one step closer to Armageddon, my friends. A DeWyze win would be a more accurate indicator of TEOTWAWKI than that little nuclear confrontation brewing in North Korea, the death of the Euro, or the creeping, crawling chaos of the oil spill in the Gulf.
I'll be watching and hoping, but I've got plenty of magazines loaded just in case.

23 May 2010

A Sunday Drive, Gummerfan-style

Since today is the first Sunday in over a month when it hasn't been raining (or I haven't been too tired!), I thought I'd jump in the Big Weird Jeep and take a little drive around my area and share a few pics with y'all.
See this little cemetery? Nothing remarkable about it, except it's now on property owned by aerospace company Boeing. That's the big white complex in the background. Technically, I may have been trespassing (just a little!) to get this shot. Since trespassing on property owned by a major aerospace defense contractor, not to mention snapping pics of same, could result in an afternoon filled with waterboards, rubber hoses, and tasers to the genitals, I decided to move on down the road.
Here's another cemetery in an unexpected place.


It's hard to see from the pic, but this particular cemetery is smack dab in the middle of somebody's cornfield!




Since trampling through a farmer's crop is not a good idea, I couldn't get much closer to this one, either.

Does the town of Leighton, AL mean anything to you? Probably not. BUT, if you've ever heard a little song called "When A Man Loves A Woman", you might be interested in knowing that somewhere down that road is the home of the great Percy Sledge. I used to work in a truckstop near here, and every now and then Percy would come in for fried chicken. One night he was there and Michael Bolton's cover of the song was playing on the radio. A customer came up to the counter chuckling and said, "That guy back there says he's Percy Sledge!" I looked back at the deli counter and said, "Yep. That's Percy."




This is an actual roadsign. Gotta love it!
I stopped on the way back and snapped these last few shots...




Nothing unusual here, I just love me a good swamp!!

Bigfoot And...(wait for it!...) Zombies!

As a proud, longtime member of the FVZA (Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency, the only "Zombie" organization I've run across that has anything approaching a realistic treatment of the Zombie threat (in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I've found that most groups, sites, and organizations will be able to measure their life expectancy with a stopwatch!) I keep an eye on different "Zombie Survival" websites, books, and movies.
And, like Zombies, Bigfoot has numerous websites, groups, and organizations devoted to it as well. What do BF and Zeds have in common? Well, it seems that there is vast number of self-proclaimed experts on both subjects. These authori-tahs are always willing to share their expertise with anyone who'll listen and present their ideas, theories, or opinions as "known facts", sharing "what we all know" about the subjects in question.
Examples:
"We all know that Zombies have acute senses of smell and hearing, they can detect humans from miles away."

The truth is, we have no idea how Zombies detect us. The Zombie books and movies demonstrate that Zombies can detect humans even without the benefit of their eyes, or noses, or ears. How DO they find us? We don't know, but logic and biology dictate that if anything, Zombie senses are no better than our own, maybe even worse.

"Bigfoot can smell us coming in the woods. We have to mask our scent, BF can even smell the plastic in camera traps, that's why can't get a good trailcam pic."
Again, biology dictates otherwise. Great apes hunt by sight, not smell. BF's sense of smell is probably better than ours, but there's no biological basis for the assumption (presented as fact) that BF has a super-sensitive sniffer.

"We all know that when the Zombies come, the best plan is to loot the nearest gun store and hole up in the mall or Walmart."
Yeah, good luck with that. I know a lot of gun store owners. You do NOT want to be anywhere near one of those places when TSHTF! As for the mall and Walmart, yeah, right. EVERYONE'S gonna be thinking the same thing. A bunch of panicy, trigger-happy, heavily armed yahoos determined to stake their claim in an essentially lawless environment. Nice knowin' ya!

"We all know that Bigfoot is nocturnal."
No, we don't. This "conventional wisdom" is based on the number of strange sounds in the night, or tales of nightime visits. Truth is, great apes are diurnal (active in the day). IF Bigfoot is a nightimer, such behaviour would be a defensive adaptation or behaviour. But again, there are plenty of reports of daytime sightings. And, any primatologist will tell you that the eyes of a great ape aren't optimized for BF's reported super night vision. If we can't see, BF can't see.

"Me and my friends can get my cousin's best friend's neighbor's .22 rifle, a machete, and a baseball bat and save our city from the Zombies."
No doubt you'll do okay, til you run out of ammo, or your arms get tired, or you get pinned down, surrounded, and starved out. Or you get stuck on the other side of town because you thought you'd go save that hot cheerleader who won't give you the time of day and then she'd pretty much have to "do" you.

"We all know that Bigfoot can be attracted by using pheromone scent baits."
I like this one! But, pheromones are species-specific. Bigfoot MAY show up out of curiousity ("Hmmm, what's that baboon twat smell doing in East Texas?") But unless you've got genuine BF pheromones, you're not gonna elicit the desired response. Also, great apes (and most other primates) don't have a mating season anyway. They're pretty much opportunistic when it comes to getting some. BF can walk erect (like man) and probably does so a lot. (like man!)

"My particular Bigfoot Research Group is THE best. We're well-equipped, we've done our homework, we go into the woods every weekend, we know where to look, we know how to find the evidence."
Well, good for you. And you've produced...what?

"My particular Zombie Survival group is THE best. We're well-equipped, we've done our homework, we practice headshots every weekend, we know where to go, we know how to survive."
Well, good for you. And you'll be able to prove your claims...when?

Despite everything above, I can't help but wonder if there isn't yet another similarity between Bigfoot and Zombies:
I've read quite a few instances of Bigfoot being shot (or shot at). BUT, to my knowledge, nobody's ever shot one IN THE HEAD.
Maybe there's something to that?

22 May 2010

Blog Awards!




Aww, geez! My friend, follower, fan, and fellow blogger Autumnforest at Ghost Hunting Theories (who is ten times the blogger I am, if followers are any indication!) has presented me with a couple of accolades.
But, since it seems everything has its price, there are some conditions to accepting these honors. For the "Beautiful Blogger" award (beautiful? never thought I'd see that word associated with me!) I have to reveal seven things nobody knows about me. I assume that means nobody who reads my blog. This is a toughie, but I'll give it a go.
1. I've seen the movie "Edward Scissorhands" twice, a few years apart. I teared up both times, and I'll NEVER watch it again.
2. I once set my leg on fire playing around with fire and gasoline. I was three years old.
3. Back when I worked at a convenience store, I tried to stop a gas "drive-off" by grabbing onto the car. I hung on for almost a mile until the guy slammed on his brakes and threw me off. (he got caught and went to jail, I got some paid time off from work, plus the store chain owner paid to replace my shredded pants and shoes)
4. (not even halfway done & this is gettin' tough already!) Politically, I'm pretty conservative, yet some of my favorite musical artists are 60's hippie folk singers. (Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Simon & Garfunkel, Janis Joplin, The Mamas & The Papas, I could go on...)
5. One of my life's goals is to learn "99 Luftballoons" in the original German.
6. In my youth I built and test-detonated a few non-registered "destructive devices" (the statutes of limitations have long past now!)
7. (whew!) I went for 8 years without cutting my hair. I could sit on it. When I finally got it cut, the braid was over 36" long. (I donated it to the "Locks of Love" charity, so at least it went to good use!)
Aww, crap! Ijust realized I gotta do another one! Okay...
8. For a time, I went through what I call my "Vigilante Phase". Late one night, I heard over the police scanner that a high speed pursuit was coming my way. I ended it by playing a game of "chicken" with the fleeing car. I drove straight toward him on the wrong side of the road, flashing my "brights" on & off. Put the Fear of Death into the guy, causing him to pull over. I heard over the scanner that the pursuing officers recognized my car, but nothing was ever said about it. (but a few weeks later I had a court date for a window tint violation and was told that the ticket was dropped) :D

For the Life is Good award, here are my answers to the obligatory 8 questions:
1. Chocolate or beer?
Chocolate (surprised? I just never have liked beer. I'm sipping a mango margarita as I write this)
2. Who would you like to see be president?
Hmmm... Sean Hannity (cuz he'd straighten this mess out!) or maybe G. Gordon Liddy (cuz things would certainly be interesting!) or me. (cuz I'm....me!)
3. Fast car or motorcycle?
Fast car (I prefer to have something between me and "the world", see #3 above!)
4. Do you talk baby talk to pets?
Cats/kittens yes, dogs no
5. Country you most want to visit?
Tough one, maybe Australia since it's got so much rugged frontier and dangerous wildlife. I like the thought of going somewhere where a flat tire can mean Certain Death.
6. If you had to live in a big city, which one?
Big city? UGH!! Maybe Las Vegas, either that or anyplace with a nice cemetery, since I doubt I'd last long!
7. What would you want to raise or grow on a farm?
Not much of a farmer, maybe a commercial nursery where I can raise lots of weird tropical plants
8. Have you ever kept a diary?
Hell no! I learned long ago never to leave any kind of paper trail! (just ask my wife whenever she wants receipts!)

20 May 2010

Busy Month So Far!

"It's May! It's May!
The month of great dismay!"
- The Lusty Month Of May- "Camelot"
(Yeah, I like show tunes, wanna make somethin' of it? Didn't think so!)

Okay, maybe "dismay" isn't the right word, but I don't know of a song about May that includes the words "Heavy Weirdness"!
Check out just a few of the stories below...

SLOW: DRUID AT WORK
Here's a story from Austria, where it seems the highway officials are now employing Druids to improve highway safety by draining the negative energy from accident-prone blackspots. Hey, it seems to be working, so more power to 'em! I know of a few country backroads around here that could use the same treatment!

Meanwhile, Up In The Skies...


UFO activity seems to be picking up. In addition to the recent multiple sightings in Australia, there'e news of
a mass sighting in the Ukraine.
And here's just a sampling from the May UFO Traffic Report:

An Oregon group checked with Portland International Airport for local air traffic before concluding that the 10 to 12 lights they were viewing might be UFOs on May 17, 2010, in MUFON Case # 23346.

Witnesses in Hawaii watched a blue light that changed to white in Pearl Harbor on May 16, 2010, and moved in a circular pattern before disappearing behind trees in MUFON Case # 23345.

Two California sisters observed a light above a small mountain that moved to within 200 yards of them. The object was silver and boomerang-shaped with a red and blue "X" on the bottom center of the object on June 15, 1995, in MUFON Case # 23335.

A Kentucky witness is reporting a May 2, 2010, event that may be an alien abduction case in MUFON Case # 23336.

Multiple Minnesota witnesses watched a bright light drifting slowly into the west-northwest horizon that appeared not to be a satellite or other conventional craft on May 18, 2010, in MUFON Case # 23362.

A bright, white circle was seen over Missouri skies on May 18, 2010, that flared up like a flash, then dimmed down as it headed north in MUFON Case # 23361.

Also on May 18, 2010, a Texas witness watched what appeared to be a star - but it was fast moving across the sky from east to west - and it stopped occasionally - and then would continue moving on - in MUFON Case # 23360.

On May 18, 2010, two Florida witnesses watched a light they originally thought was a star - but it moved across the sky and eventually disappeared into a cloud in MUFON Case # 23358.


But my favorite has to be this account of mutliple aerial lights and 32 crop circles in Hidden Valley, CA.
UFOs seem to favor valleys. Why is that? Theories range from exposed mineral outcroppings, to magnetic fields or fault lines. What if it's just a matter of tactics? Valley areas generally have higher radar ceilings due to the surrounding mountains, allowing the UFOs to literally fly under the radar.
And, speaking of tactics, all this stuff is going on while I'm stuck working six days a week, with no chance for a day off, let alone a vacation! Yeah, they know what they're doing!

18 May 2010

Don't Forget To Bring Her Some Flowers! Skunk Ape Mating Season

According to this guy, It's the start of Skunk Ape mating season in Florida.
Now, I know some people out there are saying, "Yeah, right! Like he could know that!", but being a Southerner, it makes perfect sense to me. You see, here in The South, we don't have a Spring. We go straight from winter to hot-n-steamy. And in the Everglades, I'm sure it's worse.
Having no Springtime or in between means that Southern ladies must immediately pull those shorts out of the closet without benefit of trying them on for size. Thus, Southern gals spend the early part of Summer in last year's now-too-small shorts and tops. (that's the TRUE origin of Daisy Dukes!). This sudden change from fully to barely clad women does strange things to Southern males. The air is thick with hot humid air and the pheromones are so thick you can cut through them with a knife.
No wonder Bigfoot's Southern cousin, the poor old Skunk Ape's monkey-walking through the swamp with a major boner.
So, if you wanna shot at seeing or filming a Skunk Ape, my advice is to find a nice spot in the swamp, put on some Lynard Skynard, twist the top off your favorite flavor of Boone's Farm and keep your eyes peeled.
But really, the whole part about Skunk Apes being attracted to mentruating females is pretty laughable (same goes for similar "pheromone-baiting techniques"). Pheromones are pretty species-specific, so unless you've got a sample of genuine Skunk Ape estrous on you're panties, you've got nothing to worry about.

17 May 2010

Es El Chupacabra, O No? Goat Kills In MO

Thanks to tabitca at cryptozoo-oscity for posting this story from Missouri. Some in the crypto-community are jumping to the conclusion that this may be the work of El Chupacabra, since goats are being targeted. Personally, I'm not so sure. First up, there's nothing in the report that states the cabras in question have been chupa'd. IOW, there's no mention of exsanguination. In the bulk of Chupacabra reports, the hapless victims aren't killed in such a brutal fashion. They simply have their blood drained, and sport puncture wounds. In these particaular cases, the MO doesn't jive. Chupacabras aren't known for ripping a side off their prey.
The article doesn't mention anything about tracks, or the absence of them. Missouri is home to a few Bigfoot-type creatures, the most famous of which is referred to by the locals as "Momo" (Missouri Monster). Bigfoot creatures have been reported to rip open their prey, tearing into them with their bare hands. The Fouke Monster and other Southern big hairy monsters have been reported by witnesses as making off with calves and hogs, and a goat could well be on their bill of fare as well.
I doubt it's the work of coyotes. Coyotes (and wolves, much to the disappointment of lycophiles) are a pretty cowardly lot. They rarely attack healthy animals, preferring to go after easier prey, like the young and weak. Not saying thet never attack healthy livestock, just that they prefer easier targets.
The suggestion that a bobcat may be to blame carries plenty of validity, though. Those suckers are mean!

16 May 2010

Bigfoot To The Left Of Me, Greys To The Right

It's funny how some of these ideas of mine develop. I was all set to do a series on "Monsters That OUGHT To Exist". Naturally, I was planning to include Bigfoot and other hairy hominids. After all, what's so far-fetched about the possibility that some undiscovered population of great apes still roam the world? The sightings certainly continue. But the smoking gun (figurative or literal) evidence still eludes us.
From there, I started looking into the psychology behind the BF phenomenon. We (humans) love an underdog, especially one that reminds us of us. The thought that a relict population of something that should be extinct speaks to our universal hope that we too can survive whatever this planet throws at us. It sparks a hope that, if a group of Neanderthals can survive, so can Homo sapiens. Bigfoot represents our past (maybe). These creatures strike a chord with our own desire to get back to nature, to be at home in the wild places of the world, to exist as a part of the planet, rather than apart from it. In a way, we envy them, we want them to be real. Despite the scanty evidence, we want, wish, and possibly even will them to exist. In a way, Bigfoot is us.
From there, I planned to explore other cryptids that quite possibly exist (giant catfish, surviving giant ground sloths, aquatic monsters) but somehow I got sidetracked into thinking about ETs, Space Aliens, the UFOnauts, nowadays commonly referred to as "Greys".
The worlds of Cryptozoology and UFOlogy rarely collide, and when they do, it is frequently with a great deal of reluctance, suspicion, and even paranoia on the part of both sides. Bigfoot is an ape, Greys are a race of advanced beings from another planet who travel about in flying saucers (or flying cigars, or flying triangles...), and never the twain shall meet.
But again, psychologically, what does the little Grey alien represent to us?
Just as Bigfoot is a reminder of our collective past, the Greys demonstrate where we are going, our future (maybe).
As is the case of Bigfoot evidence, any possibility of intergalactic travel eludes us. We simply can't do it. Sure, theoretical physics can mathematically demonstrate the possibility of crossing space/time, or jumping through a wormhole. It can be proven ("on paper", anyway) that there is a multitude of universes and dimensions coexisting alongside our own. ("alongside" isn't really an accurate term, though). We just can't get there from here.
But, the Greys apparently can. These highly advanced beings appear to have solved the problem of crossing over. They appear and disappear at will. They can seemingly manipulate time and space itself. They have the technology, the intelligence, the ability that we lack. If Bigfoot is a prime example of Man's desire to be a part of nature, the Greys epitomize our equally driven desire to exercise dominion over it. As in the case with Bigfoot, we envy them. We long to possess their abilities, and we as a species strive to develop it. However, while Bigfoot is at home in the wild places of the Earth, the Greys seem pretty ill-equipped to survive in the great outdoors. Technologically advanced to the point of dependency, evolved past the point of no return. Unable to survive without their technology, as out of place in the wilderness as a city dweller in the country without cellphone service. The Greys, it would appear, is also us.
Are the twin phenomena of Bigfoot/Hairy Hominids and UFOs/Aliens more closely related than many believe? Is there a connection between UFO sightings and Bigfoot encounters? Is our objective reality an intersection where these creatures from the past and entities from the future occasionally meet? Mankind has gone from living in a dirty cave to exploring the galaxy in the blink of acosmic eye. Do these twin phenomena serve as physical manifestations of our past and glimpses into our future?
And then there's another possibility. Maybe I've got it all backwards. Maybe the Greys are our distant past, maybe the Bigfoot are our future. Some of the theories about the 2012 hoopla predict a cataclysmic event. The End Of The World As We Know It. Certain Doom for the human race. Others insist it will be the beginning of a new era for mankind, a time of expanded consciousness and revolutionary discovery, ushering in a new age.
Maybe we'll develop into the advanced race we call the Greys. Or perhaps a great cataclysm we reduce us to dwelling in the forests again, devoving into something big and hairy.
It DOES appear that Man's place is somewhere between the creature of nature that is Bigfoot, and the advanced (yet technology-dependent) Greys.

"Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you."
-Stealer's Wheel-

14 May 2010

"Flying Humanoids"- The Prequel

Some of you may recall my post about my theory that some Flying Humanoid reports may be the result of runaway inflateable love dolls.
It turns out that King Solomon was correct when he said that "There is nothing new under the sun". Check out this tale of heavy weirdness from the Graylien website.
Okay, so it wasn't a life-size, wife-size, full-grown blowup plastic girl, but the similarities to my proposition are startling to say the least.
(and to think I was worried about being taken seriously!)

Boobies and...rice?

Sometimes I run across something that reassures me that the Great Cosmic Joker is still alive and well.
Like this story from Japan. Some twisted, demented muse planted (oooh!) the idea in some inventor's mind that the world really needs a bra that you can grow rice in. (and y'all thought I had a fixation!)
Forget mankind's achievements in electronics, computers, and medicine. To heck with all the great art, literature, and culture we've developed over the eons as a species.
Screw fire, electricity, and the wheel.
NOW you can grow rice in a bra! Pass the soy sauce! (but I don't think I wanna know where you keep the chopsticks!)

12 May 2010

Raising Nessie (pt. 2)

NOTE: if you haven't read pt. 1 of this series, skip down and do so now!

The article quoted in pt. 1 reminded me of a section in Janet & Colin Bord's wonderful work "Alien Animals". You see, this isn't the first time a group of witches has gathered to attempt to raise a lake monster. The Bords detail a reportedly successful attempt in 1976 by a coven of witches to raise the Cornish lake monster known as "Morgawr". I'll quote a few passages from the book:

During the time when frequent sightings of Morgawr, the Cornish sea monster were made, 'monster-raising' experiments were carried out with some degree of success...
Witches in Cornwall swam sky-clad (that's nekkid, folks! G )on several occasions in 1976 and 1977.

The Bords go on to quote Doc Shiels:

It is also a fact that they were pretty succussful in raising the monster. I happen to know some of the ladies involved, and, on several occasions, I was present when one or more of the witches were out monster-baiting. (I'm not kidding, it actually says that! G)
It should also be remembered that the Owlman (another famous British cryptid G
) showed up for the first time during the Easter weekend of 1976, around Mawman Church, when, in that part of the river below the church..., Vivienne and Pshyche swam naked and called up the monsters.(Maybe Owlman just wanted to get a bird's eye view? G )


So, there we have it, monster hunters! Maybe if the upcoming witches gathering at Loch Ness involves a lotta nudity, skinny-dipping, and enough nekkid ladies monster-baiting around the loch, we just might get a rise out of Nessie after all!

Raising Nessie (pt. 1)

Hmmm... Nessie a ghost? That's a new one on me. Read the following article from "Highland News", but hold off on passing judgement just yet!

A DRAMATIC event which will see hundreds of witches, clairvoyance experts and psychics gather together around the shores of Loch Ness in a bid to make contact with Nessie will take place next month.
The High Priest of British White Witches, Kevin Carlyton - who calls himself "The Official Protector of Loch Ness and the Loch Ness Creature" - is organising the one-off psychic gathering and is hoping to prove the monster is in fact a ghost.
The white witch, who claims to have thwarted the plans of "monster hunter" Jan Sundberg from Sweden coming to Loch Ness to attempt to capture Nessie a few years ago, believes the monster will never be caught, because she's not actually alive.
Kevin explained: "The creature is a ghost from a bygone era and its image has been captured by the surrounding landscape. On certain weather conditions, particularly very warm or thunderous with a lot of static in the air, images of the creature are 'replayed' and people who are slightly psychic see the creature as if it is here now."
Now the white witch hopes to prove his point about the monster, which drums up hundreds of thousands of pounds in tourism business every year for the area, by organising the coming together for those who have psychic abilities.
He said: "I predict there will be at least 200 people present at the event. I've only mentioned a small bit about the event on my website and the interest so far has been phenomenal.
"I've had psychics from all over the country, and was even speaking to someone on the phone from New Zealand who plans to incorporate the event into their trip to England next month.
"It's going to be quite an event. I'm hoping it will go ahead around June 21, but I still need to confirm the actual date.
"Computer programmer Mikko Takala will be filming the event and it's hoped it will be broadcast live on www.lochness.co.uk - so hopefully Nessie won't be camera shy!"
And for those who may be left disappointed at the news that the monster is a ghost have been re-assured by Kevin.
He said: "Everyone has psychic ability in them somewhere and some people will be able to still see Nessie."


Now, some of the "flesh-n-blooders" or "plessiosaur" crowd are surely shaking their heads.
But, if you know me, you know there's more to this entry than a simple post about one article.
Stay tuned for the next installment. It might make you wonder, it might make you think twice before you pass judgement on our friendly white witch here.
(AND it involves nudity!)

11 May 2010

Boobies And Spam...

No, it's not something you'd find on the menu at a British pub (like bangers and mash), it's just that since my few posts about, well, boobies, I've begun receiving email spam about breast implants and augmentation.
At least I know the webcrawlers and spambots like my posts!

The Jersey Devil, a Mutant?

Below is an excerpt from this article about the famous Jersey Devil.

Archaeologist Paula Perrault has seen alleged Jersey Devil skulls with both straight and curved horns, and says the Pinelands has a history of "genetic malformations, even in mammals, serpents and humans. A lot of the portrayals in any culture seem to define evil as a serpent crossed with something else -- it's never just a serpent." Some animals of this Garden State location have been found with abnormalities, including odd colorations, extra appendages (emphasis mine) and even lizards with extra heads. From an archaeological perspective, Perrault speculates that there is "some kind of mineral deposit in the area, made up of heavy metal that could be one thing that might cause genetic differences."

One of my big problems with the JD as a cryptid (unknoown animal) rather than something paranormal has always been the matter of the appendages. It reportedly has feet (hooves), arms (or claws) and wings. That just doesn't happen with either birds or mammals. But, if as a result of a mutation, it somehow manages to sport a couple of extra appendages, well, that may be another matter altogether. We've all seen pics of various animals with extra legs, or even two heads. So, some kind of mutated deer, goat or maybe a bird such as a crane, may very well be behind this legendary creature.

08 May 2010

Former Area 51 Employees Speak Out

In this L.A Times article some former Area 51 employees finally spill some of the beans regarding the "officially non-existant" top secret US military operation at Groom Lake, NV.
Their stories, while fascinting in their own right, full of Cold War intrique, former classified ops, and other interesting tales, alas, make no mention of extraterrestrial bodies or alien spacecraft.
I've probably quoted some of this before, but I'm reminded of a passage from Patrick Harpur's "Daimonic Reality":

"No amount of reason, persuasion, and sensory evidence can convince paranoiacs that they are deluded. On the contrary, everything that happens seems to support the delusion."
So, now that some former employees of Area 51 are telling what they know, will the conspiracy theories die? I think not. After all, the former employees could well be part of a disinformation campaign, right? Or maybe the ones who are finally talking weren't privy to higher-level information regarding space aliens or back-engineered flying saucers.Like most good conspiracy theories, the "Truth" about Area 51 may never be truly known. And even if all is really revealed, there's always that nagging possibility that there's something else "out there".

As an aside, I've noticed that my two posts entitled "Boobies!" and "Boobies!(part 2)" seem to have a higher hit count than my other posts. Just so you know, while I'm grateful that my coworker exhibits a healthy sense of humor regarding the matter, and takes everything in stride, (IOW, she hasn't gone upside my or anyone else's head!), I DO hope none of you out there are expecting any "before" & "after" pics, because I can assure you, that AIN'T gonna happen!

07 May 2010

"Vampires" In New Zealand

A trio of utes have been charged in a "Vampire"-style attack in New Zealand.
I'm sure most members of the Vampire-wannabe community will attempt to distance themselves from these three examples of robust mental health. My unabashed hatred for the "Vampire", "Vampyre", "Sanguinarian" community notwithstanding, I won't be painting this incident as some kind of warning, or a sign that the VWs pose a threat to those of us of a different delusional persuasion.
As a gun owner, I hate to see reports of firearm violence (or carelessness, or stupidity), since it casts a poor reflection on gun owners in general. As a sword enthusiast, it ticks me off no end when some loony-toon decides he's Blade, or Duncan (or Connor) McLeod from "Highlander" and attacks someone with a "sam-oo-rye" sword.
I'm mature and wise (read: old!) enough to understand that one cannot pass judgement on a community, or race, nationality, whatever, based on the actions of a few members.
Of course, I still can't stand the so-called, self-proclaimed "Real" Vampires of the world for the simple fact that they ARE NOT VAMPIRES!

05 May 2010

Boobies! (pt 2)

Lately my co-worker (the one who has the upcoming boob job)has been talking about wanting a Mustang convertible, or at least a new convertible of some kind. We're beginning to suspect a midlife crisis. You'd think she'd be happy enough playing around with her new pair of bigger, firmer, boobs. (Lord knows I would!) ;)

Armageddon It?

Synchronicity is a wonderful thing, or maybe it's paranoia?
Astrophysicist, mathematician, and all-around supergenius Stephen Hawking ruffled a few feathers in the "Space Brothers" community when he cautioned against attempts to contact space-travelling alien species. The guy makes a good point. He brought up the historical precedents of cross-cultural contact. History is rife with examples of technologically, more advanced civilizations running roughshod over lesser developped indigenous peoples. If the aliens are advanced enough to develop interplanetery or interdimensional travel, or time travel for that matter, or whatever the hell means they use to get here from wherever or whenever the hell it is that they come from, it's highly doubtful they would have a caring, beneficent attitude towards us. There are three possible reactions:
A: They would embrace us as equals (great!)
2: They would treat us with complete disdain, beneath consideration as a species (not good!)
C: They would view us with open hostility (yikes!)

So, the odds aren't all that great that humans and Space Aliens would hold hands (or other extremeties) and sing "Kum-buy-yah".

Hawking's statement comes in the midst of a big time UFO flap in Australia. Why are the aliens interested in the land Down Under? The scenery? The beer? That way cool opera house?
OR, could it be that Australia has some of THE most restrictive weapons laws on the planet? Not just guns, but swords, knives, whirling-martial-art-sticks-of-death, are all restricted, or banned, or tightly regulated in the Land of Oz. The Aussies are no doubt a tough lot, don't get me wrong, but if I were an alien commander looking for an easily defended stronghold, with an almost completely disarmed population, plus a modern, industrial infrastructure, I'd be hard pressed to find a better location to start my invasion.
Oddly enough, the other day I caught one of my favorite movies on TV, "Dr. Strangelove". Are we on the brink of interplanetery warfare toe-to-toe with the Greyskis?
Check your ammo, sharpen you swords, keep your eyes on the skies, put your shoulder to the wheel, & your nose to the grindstone.
We won't go down without a fight! We must do everything in our power to prevent those damned grey-skinned, cattle-mutilatin' bastards from sapping and impurifying our precious planetery fluids!

02 May 2010

I've Been "Immortalized"...(well, sorta!)

If you follow this blog, odds are you're also a follower of Autumnforest's "Ghost Hunting Theories" blog. (and if you're not, you should be!)
Autumn has posted a short story "Deadwood Mesa" here. Not only is it a great story, with vampires, a desert ghost town, abandoned mining tunnels, and a lead female character in a torn tank top, but in addition, Autumn informed me that the character of Josiah (the Undead Cowboy, how cool is that?) was inspired in part by yours truly!
I'm truly honored! Be sure to give it a read and check out the rest of her blog if you haven't already!