Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

07 February 2011

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas (with STYLE!)

It's an old tradition, flowers and plants make nice Valentine's Day gifts. But, what if you're a Monster Hunter, whose tastes run to the more unique members of the plant kingdom? Here's some of my favorite freaky flora...

Colocasia Gigantea Thailand Giant strain: this is NOT your momma's Elephant Ear. None of those wimpy little 5-6' stalks here! Can you say B-I-G?

Really handy for fanning away that Summer heat! Note the SUV in the background!

Holy Rhubarb, Batman!
Elephant Ears not wild enough for you? (even if it IS giant economy size?) How about thrilling the one you love by giving them Gunnera? No, it's not a social disease, it's Gunnera manicata, a giant rhubarb! Sometimes called "Dinosaur Food". Just imagine lying beneath the shade of one of those eight-foot wide leaves, or seeking shelter from a sudden shower...




Amazing aroids:
Need something a little more colorful? Something that says "Roses? We don't need no steenking roses!"? Here's a couple of flowery freaks that NO one would mistake for an FTD bouquet! Oh, and speaking of bouquets, both of these alien-looking flowers feature an aroma that can best be described as "carrion-esque." Plainly speaking, they exude an odor that strongly resembles dead meat. These plants only flower for a short time (mercifully, I guess!), so, in order to attract flies to spread pollen, they really do smell like decaying flesh. Nicknames for these plants include "Voodoo Lily", "Stink Lily", "Carrion Flower"... get the picture yet? Oh, and guys, if you give your lady love one of these and she appreciates it enough to keep it in the house, she must REALLY love you!
First up, Dracunculus vulgaris (cool name, huh?) aka Dragon Lily:




How about that color scheme?
But of course, sometimes too much is never enough, go big or go home, if you're gonna be a bear be a grizzly is the order of the day. If you want the ultimate in weirdo, unearthly,"statement" plants, here's my favorite piece of garden party overkill! Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest inflourescence in the world, the mighty Amorphophallus titanum! (ANOTHER cool name! Them botanists got some sense of humor!)



Of course, a box-o-chocolates is also nice, I guess...

3 comments:

Autumnforest said...

Jeez, I'm totally digging this sort of Jurassic park options for Valentine's Day. Just what the frag would you tip the delivery guy for something like that? I love it! Great post! You crack me up!

Gummerfan said...

Just greet him at the door shouting, "My 'phallus is here! My 'phallus is here!" :D

Autumnforest said...

Yeah, well, a smart dude would not send her one of those and then come over later on and expect any excitement. Perhaps he should send a cocktail weiner first and give a complimentary frame of reference.