Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

23 April 2011

Spidey Vs Gummerfan?

A couple of days ago I was bitten by spider. I've never been bitten by one before (not to my knowledge anyway). I knew it wasn't a black widow, but I was concerned about the possibility it may have been a brown reluse. It got me on the neck (maybe it just wanted to give me a hickey? Maybe it was a shapeshifting vampire spider?). I shook the offending arachnid out of my shirt and caught it in a water bottle. Then I went in to Google to see what I could find out. I've known some people who've had reluse bites, and they're really nasty. I saw a few images of the effects of their bites, and decided that having my neck dissolve into a nasty mess of necrotic flesh wasn't worth the risk (after all, I NEED my neck, that's where my head sits!). So, assailaint in hand, I made a trip to the ER. Fortunately, it wasn't a poisonous species. The Doc put me on some antibiotics just as a precaution.
I also haven't noticed any superpowers yet. Despite our proximity to a nuclear plant, apparently the spider wasn't radioactive. While some superpowers would come in handy for "your friendly neighborhood monster hunter", I suppose it's just as well.
I live in a rural area. (no skyscrapers to swing from, crawl on, or jump from rooftop to rooftop). To get the most from Spidey-powers, I'd have to relocate.

The costume just wouldn't cut it. That blue and the shade of red could result in my being mistaken for an Auburn fan, and I can't have that. Plus, there's no place to pack guns, ammo, knives, or other gear. My get-up would be something more along the lines of the Punisher's outfit.

"With great power comes great responsibility", not sure I'm up to that.

The Spidey-powers cause Peter Parker nothing but trouble anyway. My life's complicated enough already.

And don't female spiders bite the heads off the male after they mate? In the words of Woody Allen: "Sex and death, two things that happen once in a lifetime."
So, all in all, I guess it's no biggie that I can't wallcrawl or websling, but rest assured "true believers", I'll continue to do what I can with what I've got!


Autumnforest said...

Definitely do not want you bitten by a spider and turned into that pussy. Perhaps a wolf spider--the outcome might make a good horror story.

Adsila said...

Gummerman our latest badass superhero. I like it!

Courtney Mroch said...

OMG! This was a BRILLIANT post! So funny. Sorry you got bit but glad it wasn't anything too bad.

PowerPC said...

Yeah, those Brown Reluses are some dangerous spiders.....They are almost as deadly as its more famous cousin the Brown Recluse.

Gummerfan said...

Note to self: Check that "c" key...