Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

31 May 2011

Finding Bigfoot and Calling My Lawyer...

My attorney, being my attorney, is accustomed to recieving the occassional late night phone call. This particular call had nothing to do with contributing to the delinquency of a minor (heay, that girl was eighteen), possession of firearms (yeah, my pistol permit had expired, so I HAD no choice but to carry the shotgun)or lewd and lascivious conduct (I really WAS teaching that chick how to recharge a shake-light).
Nope, this call was different. Of course, I could have broached the subject a little more gently. My attorney wasn't prepared for a 3:00AM phone call that began with me yelling "PIGFUCKER!" into the reciever. "Excuse me?" "Oh, sorry... This is Gummer, it's really important. I need to know about "pigfucker", is it libelous? I mean, could some litigious son of a bithch sue me if I call him a pigfucker on my blog?"
My attorney was starting to grasp the purpose of the call. "You called me up at 3:00AM to ask me that?!"
My attorney just doesn't grasp the strength of my passion. "Look, I just saw this Bigfoot show. Matt Moneymaker is involved. Can I call him a pigfucker? He claims he's a lawyer, or used to be a lawyer. Of course, there's no record in any state bar association in the US of any lawyer named Matt Moneymaker ever practicing law. Oh, and the university of Akron, where he claims to have graduated with a JD has no record of him, either. But regardless, he DOES threaten to sue anyone who disagrees with him, or questions him, or posts pictures of Bigfoot without clearing them with him."
My lawyer and I discussed the use of "pigfucker" as well as "fraud". Since MM now has a TV show, do the standards of public figures apply? Do I have to prove he actually fucked a pig? Can I alledge, in print that he's fucked pigs and then refer to him as an "alleged pigfucker"?
After all, we ARE talking about the guy who claims to be a lawyer, who claims to be in possession of clear and convincing BF evidence which he refuses to share or divulge, who took over the BFRO and promptly ran the old-time leading investigor's out of the organization. The guy who has a record of intimidating or ridiculing witnesses. The guy who practically called a witness a liar because the witness's bigfoot didn't have a black nose! (ALL BF have black noses! If you see a hairy biped with a nose of another color, you're just hallucinating, so relax!)The guy who offer high-priced "Bigfoot Expeditions" to the crypto=tourist trade.
After much non-billable discussion, we decided that given Mr. Moneymaker's past behaviour, his aggressive tendencies, his apparent psychosexual fixation on law and the legal system, I would be prudent to find another descriptive term.
So, sorry folks, no pigfucker, no Finding Bigfoot review. Point to Moneymaker...
But, I can link to Cryptomundo, where some REAL cryptozoologists put in their two cents.


Autumnforest said...

Bravo BG! Anyone who has gotten to the level of having a show has pretty much displayed that they aren't real researchers, but entertainers. That Biscardi has no show amazes me, although his might be called "Barnum and Bailey." I'm not expecting any great breaking research on their part, but if they can take me into the woods with some equipment, interview witnesses and make the stories come to life, I'm entertained. Now, if Meldrum gets a regular show, I'll know we're screwed. The problem with BF hunting is that any wahoo can call himself a hunter and take to the forests, just like us ghost hunters. No credentials necessary. And, like any other industry, there are people with little talents except good business savvy like Zak Bagans and the Pigfucker might be in his club.

Courtney Mroch said...

Wow. You held nothing back, Gummer. Impressive. And in your way you still called it like you see it! LMAO!