Is there room in the Para/Crypto/Fortean world for a gun-toting, paranoid, bipolar, opinionated bastard? A lonely romantic in search of his lost soul? A knight, Samurai, gunslinger, born in the wrong century? A self-destructive, doom-driven survivor seeking redemption? A heavy drinking gonzo outlaw cryptozoologist whose ego is exceeded only by his libido?
No, there isn't. That's why I'm here...

31 May 2011

Finding Bigfoot and Calling My Lawyer...

My attorney, being my attorney, is accustomed to recieving the occassional late night phone call. This particular call had nothing to do with contributing to the delinquency of a minor (heay, that girl was eighteen), possession of firearms (yeah, my pistol permit had expired, so I HAD no choice but to carry the shotgun)or lewd and lascivious conduct (I really WAS teaching that chick how to recharge a shake-light).
Nope, this call was different. Of course, I could have broached the subject a little more gently. My attorney wasn't prepared for a 3:00AM phone call that began with me yelling "PIGFUCKER!" into the reciever. "Excuse me?" "Oh, sorry... This is Gummer, it's really important. I need to know about "pigfucker", is it libelous? I mean, could some litigious son of a bithch sue me if I call him a pigfucker on my blog?"
My attorney was starting to grasp the purpose of the call. "You called me up at 3:00AM to ask me that?!"
My attorney just doesn't grasp the strength of my passion. "Look, I just saw this Bigfoot show. Matt Moneymaker is involved. Can I call him a pigfucker? He claims he's a lawyer, or used to be a lawyer. Of course, there's no record in any state bar association in the US of any lawyer named Matt Moneymaker ever practicing law. Oh, and the university of Akron, where he claims to have graduated with a JD has no record of him, either. But regardless, he DOES threaten to sue anyone who disagrees with him, or questions him, or posts pictures of Bigfoot without clearing them with him."
My lawyer and I discussed the use of "pigfucker" as well as "fraud". Since MM now has a TV show, do the standards of public figures apply? Do I have to prove he actually fucked a pig? Can I alledge, in print that he's fucked pigs and then refer to him as an "alleged pigfucker"?
After all, we ARE talking about the guy who claims to be a lawyer, who claims to be in possession of clear and convincing BF evidence which he refuses to share or divulge, who took over the BFRO and promptly ran the old-time leading investigor's out of the organization. The guy who has a record of intimidating or ridiculing witnesses. The guy who practically called a witness a liar because the witness's bigfoot didn't have a black nose! (ALL BF have black noses! If you see a hairy biped with a nose of another color, you're just hallucinating, so relax!)The guy who offer high-priced "Bigfoot Expeditions" to the crypto=tourist trade.
After much non-billable discussion, we decided that given Mr. Moneymaker's past behaviour, his aggressive tendencies, his apparent psychosexual fixation on law and the legal system, I would be prudent to find another descriptive term.
So, sorry folks, no pigfucker, no Finding Bigfoot review. Point to Moneymaker...
But, I can link to Cryptomundo, where some REAL cryptozoologists put in their two cents.

30 May 2011

Josiah: Undead Cowboy


If you read this blog,odds are you also read Autumnforest's Ghost Hunting Theories, so this isn't news to you. But, just in case, I'm tickled to announce the release of Autumn's (Sharon Day, but she'll always be Autumn to me!) new western horror ovella, "Josiah: Undead Cowboy" today. It's available on Kindle & Nook, and if you don't have an e-reader Amazon has a free Kindle reader download for your PC or smartphone, or whatever electronic device is currently en vogue. IOW, NO EXCUSES, PEOPLE!
Sharon was kind enough to send me an advance copy and it's awesome! Not only is it dedicated to Yours Truly, the character of Josiah was inspired by me. I was kinda apprehensive at first, but after reading it, I strongly suspect Sharon actually got inside my head and wandered around a while! That's no mean feat, since in all honesty even I'M afraid to look around in there myself!

27 May 2011

Who's Watching Me???

I was checking the map on Feedburner.com to see who actually reads this stuff (and how many people looked at my ab shot, needless to say I was quite let down :( ), but along with the usual numbers for US, UK, Japan, Taiwan, and others, I saw "Unknown 2".
Whattup with that? I've got somebody from some "Unknown" country looking at my lil' ol' blog? WTF?
So, dear folks, if I come up missing or dead under mysterious circumstances or simply disappear, I'm leaving this valuable clue behind!

26 May 2011

Shadow People & MIB: Connection?

Just started reading the book "Casebook On The Men In Black" by Jim Keith. I haven't gotten that far yet, but a thought occurred to me. Keith argues the case that there is a connection between MIB and the various ebony-clad entities of folklore and religion. He does have a point, I guess. There are all kinds of old references to the "black man", the "dark man", and the "man in black".(no, not Johnny Cash!) The black man who meets you at the crossroads, the figures of Voodoo and Hoodoo, and all the other evil, or at least powerful figures of various religions. Keith does point out a lot of similarities. My problem is his reliance on testimony from numerous witch trials as his basis. Knowing the methods used to extract "confessions" from those accused of witchcraft in those dark times, I tend to take their "testimony" with a grain of salt.
Now, I have NO doubt that some MIBs are government agents. I can't say what agency they represent, or what their aims are, but I have no doubt the government would send agents to silence someone who witnessed say, a test of a secret aircraft. I also have no doubt that said agents may deliberately follow the "classic MIB" profile as a psychological tactic to insure the witness's compliance.
But, there are too many cases which suggest that MIBs are something else. Things like their new appearing vintage automobiles, their obsession with time, their bizarre speech patterns, their display of behaviour such as difficulty breathing, or as though the temperature is uncomfortable, or their unfamiliarity with eating utensils, Bic pens, and Jell-O. Yet they sometimes appear to witnesses the day after a UFO encounter, know the witness's name and details of their life, and possess an intimate knowledge of the encounter including details the witness has never shared with anyone.
With my mind in "conspiracy mode" I started to think about any other possible connections. Then it occurred to me, Shadow People?
SPs are black (blacker than black in fact). They seem to exist in another dimension. They have a penchant for observing people with or without their knowledge. Their ability to move through walls, remain unseen (most of the time), and appear and disappear at will would make them ideal for intelligence gathering, no? And if they exist in another dimension, their confusion regarding time, and their lack of familiarity with our physical realm makes sense. Heck, a lot of Shadow People even wear hats!
This is one of those puzzle pieces I'm always turning over in my twisted brain. I FEEL like there's something there, but I gotta admit I do need more evidence.

25 May 2011

"Lovely Day For An Exorcism!"

Remember that line from The Exorcist? That movie still creeps me out. So chilling, so accurate, (at least the exorcism part!), so freakin' scary!
But really, are demons actually that scary? That dangerous? After all, the kids from Paranormal State can get rid of 'em with less effort than Orkin does a quick roach job! TAPS calls in their resident "demonologist", he says a little prayer, problem solved! Just today I read a post on fb in which someone in the paranormal field (someone I happen to respect) mentioned exorcising a demon as casually as if they swatted a fly. Out of respect for the person in question, and since there's no point starting a big deal over it, I did not comment.
But, the truth is, there are darned few people who can actually go toe-to-toe (if demons have toes...) with a real demon and emerge unscathed and victorious. The fact of the matter is, the entities most of these self-proclaimed exorcists are really dealing with are not demons at all.
In the paranormal/monster hunting world, demons are regarded as major league players, heavy hitters, suspects of last resort. Spirits, negative entities, poltergeists, even fays or djinni are far more likely candidates in most cases. Demons aren't gonna be driven away (at least not permanently) buy blessed coins, a little smudging, or a simple "taking back" of the residence. These remedies may work temporarily, but if it's a demon, like MacArthur, it "shall return".
The PS crew is doing a dangerous "service" to interested viewers by labelling everything a "demon" and following their little homebrewed "Rituale Buelleum". IF Ryan & the gang ever encuntered a real demon, the folks in wardrobe had better have a change of underwear standing by.
And even my favorite fictional monster show, "Supernatural", while surprisingly accurate on a lot of the folklore presented, also makes way too light of the demon problem. Just reciting the Rituale and sprinkling some holy water wouldn't cut it in the real thing. In fact, if Sam & Dean were to even attempt an exorcism in the real world, the results would be disastrous. Face it, demons know our weaknesses, they are privy to our dirty little secrets, they exploit every chink in our armor. A demon would have Sam for lunch.
I've never performed an exorcism, and I never intend to attempt one. I HAVE spoken to Priests, clergy and laypeople who have either performed, assisted, or witnessed them, however.
There are few things in this world that I wouldn't try. That's one of them!

19 May 2011

Any Lost FEMA Workers Out There?

During the recent tornado outbreak here in North Alabama, I, like everyone else was glued to the TV and radio listening for updates. And now that the cleanup and recovery is well underway, I feel compelled to perform a Public Service.
If you're a newsperson, weatherperson, FEMA worker, or volunteer, it might help if you know where you're going, and if you must ask directions, then learn to pronounce the name of where you're going. It would also prove beneficial to the public at large if the area's meteorologists and NOAA radio stations could do likewise, just so residents can better track the storms instead of scratching their heads trying to figure out what y'all are talking about. So, here's a little helpful guide to keep you from sounding like idiots.

Chalybeate (alternatively Chalybeate Springs): It's pronouncec KLEE-bit! Not chally-beet, not cuhlee-bee-ate, and not shuh-lee-bee-it. If you ask for directions to any of those, everyone will assume you're up to no good since you obviously don't know anything about the place and you'll end up getting sent to Mississippi.

Basham: BASH-ham, not bashem, not BAY-sham, not Bayshum. Just think about pounding your pork or something.

Sinking Creek: pronounced Sankin Creek. ALWAYS! Never, EVER "Sinking" Creek! You WILL be laughed at!

Mtn. Home: Notice that "n" there? That's because it's Mountain Home, not Mount Home, dammit! Why is that so hard to remember? Is it because of...

Mt. Hope? There's NO "n" there, so it's Mount Hope. Again, not Mountain Hope! And Mt. Hope is where "Oh! Bryan's!" steak house (not "O'Brian's", "O'Brien's", or any variation thereof!) was destroyed.

Caddo: why is this one so hard? CAT-oh, not KAY-doh, and certainly not kuh-DOO!

Arab: pronounced AY-rab, as immortalized in Ray Stevens' classic "Ahab The Arab". It has nothing to do with an oil-rich desert country, magic lamps, or flying carpets. Granted, the source of the confusion may arise from Arab's annual "Love Us" Day celebrated on July 4th, during which the residents of Arab are encouraged to dress like, well, Arabs!

But, to give credit where it's due, they usually get "Neel" right, and surprisingly I never heard Hulaco mispronounced as "Hula-koh" or "Hyoo-LACK-oh". Hyoo-LAY-koh seems to come more naturally, I guess.

On a more serious note, the recovery & rebuilding is coming along nicely. The help and support have been outstanding, and the sense of community is stronger than ever. I'm sure all those affected by this tragedy will continue to hang in there long after the volunteers and rescue workers have returned to their home states, and after the FEMA workers have all packed up and gone back to... WARSH-in-tun.

18 May 2011

Little "Blair Witch-y", Huh?

Don't know if y'all have seen this or not. It's been making the rounds as a "Bigfoot Attack" video. Of course, with the opening intro about finding the camera, it pretty much screams Blair Witch or Gable Film. :)

15 May 2011

MIB MIA?


You don't hear about the Men In Black much anymore. Why is that I wonder? In the 50's and 60's, they kept pretty busy. Harassing UFO witnesses, putting researchers out of business, confiscating photos and evidence, even making pests of themselves during the Mothman sightings. And they didn't really go after "big game". Most of their targets were ordinary people who witnessed something strange and were urged or pursuaded to keep quiet. Even the researchers they targeted only had a small following. But some of the big names in the field of ufology and Forteana were left alone. John Keel, while reporting some indirect results of MIB activity, never had the typical MIB encounter familiar to students of the history. Same goes for Frank Edwards, Brad Steiger, and Art Bell and Bill Birnes. None of these celebs in the field ever had a brand-new looking vintage Cadillac pull up to their drive. The MIB seemed to concentrate mostly on witnesses.
Today, with the internet, there are numerous sites, blogs, and forums devoted to discussion of UFOs, conspiracies, underground bases, alien abductions, and other topics that we assume would interest them. But, the sites are still up, the researchers are still researching, the books (and ebooks) continue to be published. MUFON and other organizations are still collecting data. So, why no mass deployment of Asian appearing, black clad "Silencers"?
Maybe it's because UFOs have become so mainstream now. Maybe the agencies behind the MIB have decided that it doesn't matter what is said or published now. Maybe none of today's researchers or groups "know too much" or have gotten "too close to the truth".Maybe their department has suffered a massive funding cut?
Are the sinister agents of the MIB really gone? Have they curtailed their activities? Can we all relax now? Or, are the MIB, like the truth they hope to spress, are still "out there"?

13 May 2011

Just So Y'all Know...

Due to some kind of Blogger screwup, some comments have mysteriously disappeared.
Hey, it wasn't me! :)

11 May 2011

Banes, Blessings, or Bait?


Part of being a Monster Hunting, Ass-Kicking Enemy Of Evil is knowing the tools of the trade. Depending on the creature/entity in question, you gotta know what you need to be packin', right? Above is a pic of a Vampire Killing Kit from the 1800s. Another one is here:

These kits typically included crosses & crucifixes, mirrors (for detection), daggers, various herbs, holy water, silver flakes or powder, and of course the requisite stakes & hammer. Note the inclusion of a pistol. "Gee, BG", you're saying, "EVERYBODY knows Vamps are immune to gunfire!!". Well, check the folklore, buddy. Apparently vampires can be dispatched with a handgun (silver bullets optional) BUT, the gun has to be fired from the left hand. (I'm left-handed btw, I guess that gives me an edge!)
A quick search of Wiccan/Witchcraft/Occult oriented supply shops will turn up numerous candles, oils, herbs, incense, crystals, amulets, and other goodies intended to bless homes, objects, or individuals, and then there are spells, prayers, incantations, and meditative exercises utilized to defend against negative forces, dark energies, hostile entities, and other things that go bump in the night (or day, for that matter).
I can't help but wonder if some of this stuff is kind of self-defeating though. I mean, if you're HUNTING for a ghost or spirit, or INVESTIGATING a paranormal event or phenomenon, why would you load up on gear designed to drive them away? Kinda like going on a entomological expedition swathed in insect repellent. For that matter, why do so many Ghost Hunters, Paranormal Investigators, and TAPS wannabes expound on how they must investigate at night, and kill all the sources of "interference" (go dark), and THEN wire the location from attic to celler with IR lights, cameras, microphones, laser grids, and laptops? (not to mention being tailed by the camera and sound crew!).
And, on the subject of screwing around with paranormal entities, Phillip Imbrogno mentioned in "The Vengeful Djinn" that he was working on some experiments in djinn-heavy areas using a Tesla coil in an attempt to disrupt their plasic energy! Wonder how that's working out?
But really folks, I say leave the banes behind. Get that cross tattoo removed, take off that silver necklace. If you're going into the woods seeking monsters, sure, pack some heat, but don't go stampeding through the forest contaminating the area.
It's a scary truth that when it comes to monsters, all too often you have to be your own bait!

09 May 2011

A Vortex, You Say??

With all my blathering about multi-dimensional beings, time travel, the space/time continuum and the various examples of how reality doesn't like to play by our rules, I must say it did my heart good to find this article which states that a spacetime vortex apparently exists around the Earth.
Granted, when it comes to this stuff, some of the physics and theories involved DO put a strain on what's left of my gray matter, it's exciting to hear about these discoveries nonetheless. Not saying it explains all the heavy weirdness and high strangeness in the annals (two "n"'s!) of Fortean studies, but it just may provide a big piece to this twisted puzzle. Is this related to UFOs? Mysterious creatures? Bizarre anachronistic artifacts?
In the words of Popeye, "faskinatin'!"

03 May 2011

Does Bigfoot Fear The FLIR?

The biggest problem with the flesh-n-blood Bigfooters is the lack of evidence to support their position. No bones or bodies have ever been found. There is no fossil record in North America of anything resmbling a great ape. No hapless Bigfoot has ever been (as Chevy & Mopar fans say) Found On Road Dead. Well, here's another frustrating piece of info that I realize will not dampen their enthusiasm, but it may just stir the pot ond throw another faggot on the fire. (he said, mixing his metaphors...)
If you've ever seen the ghost hunting shows, or the monster hunting programs, you're no doubt familiar with the "FLIR" thermal imaging technology. If not, here's my best Grant Wilson impression: "'FLIR' stands for 'Forward Looking Infra Red', it's a technology that ranslates heat into a visual image".
Y'know, like how ghosts supposedly draw the heat out of the air, which causes cold spots and temperature drops, and they somehow appear as a heat source on a thermal imager. (okay, that doesn't make sense to me, either, but that's what they say anyway).
What you may not be aware of is that there are are choppers and helicopters that fly around our forests and wilderness areas using FLIR cameras to monitor animal populations, species surveys, spotting potential "hot spots" for fire prevention, and other wildlife studies. And it's not just counting little white dots, modern FLIR cameras can capture images sophisticated enough to count everything from grouse to ground squirrels.
Check this out:

The above photo from the Vision Air Research website shows four moose south of Denali National Park at 2,500 feet distance. Color me impressed.
So, how many BFs have had their images captured in any of the aerial FLIR surveys? Zip. Zilch. Nada. Not one. Not even a blobsquatch.
Defenders of the flesh-n-bllod argument attempt to counter such arguments by granting BF attributes which they shouldn't possess. "BF hasn't been captured by a trailcam because they can smell the plastic housing, or the batteries, or see the infrared lights." (no other great ape displays a sense of smell anywhere near that keen). "BF is nocturnal". (no other great ape is) BF has learned to avoid automobiles, that's why one has never been hit by a log truck." (that's a record even H. sapiens can't match!).
So, I suppose the "undiscovered ape" camp will just say that BF can hear the chopper or plane coming from miles away, has learned to avoid them (even to the extent of concealing their body heat), and has passed this info along to their offspring and to other members of the species via the woodknock telegraph.
Of course, there's always the possibility that the FLIRs just haven't been in the right place at the right time.
Yet.